There’s a new pest in town, and “her” name is Courtney.
You see, Courtney sends me daily emails about hooking up.
Courtney also uses a variety of email addresses, so I have no way of blocking her.
Courtney’s last name varies wildly, depending on her mood. Sometimes she’s Courtney Peach, and sometimes she’s Courtney Pie. I also vaguely remember Courtney Pink.
Courtney seems to think that nude pics can solve every annoyance. Everything from personal stress to the crisis in the middle east. Oh, poor, simple Courtney. If only.
Courtney is deluded but also very persistent. She thinks she can reel me in with offers of one night stands! Ha! Dream on, Courtney! Now if you offered free burritos, I *might* be interested.
Courtney deftly avoids my spam filters. She is crafty sometimes, our Courtney.
She loves using those skeevy Gmail emojis. What is this? 2011? Get with the times.
I know the job market sucks right now, but Courtney needs a job. Because she has SO MUCH TIME! I had 7 messages from her yesterday. Girl, how are you paying rent?
Wait! Ho ho ho. Courtney just sent me an email, and now she wants to write Erotica together. I am both unsettled and curious. How did my spammy friend know I’m a writer?! Also, today her name is Courtney Kiss. Ugh. Stale much?
This leads me to my next semi-rational thought. Do you think Courtney would come help with some chores? Since she claims “I’m always on her mind” and she “fantasizes about me all the time,” you think she’d do me a solid and stand in line for me at the UPS store? Also, my car needs a wash, and the backyard could use some TLC.
Are you listening, Courtney? I need you right now. I’M thinking of YOU!! Please respond soon.
(Quick note: If you know some big guys, be a darling and get them along. I have some boxes in the attic that need moving.)