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Well, did you know? (A listicle)

(Photo by sebastiaan stam on Unsplash)

Did you know the average woman drinks 3 cups of coffee a day? 5 if her children are home on summer break.

Did you know there is nothing sweeter on God’s green earth than waking up, checking your phone in a groggy panic, and realizing that morning is still 4 hours away?

Did you know that 6-year-olds are in love with book/video game characters and shame their mother when she responds with, “What? I don’t have time for crushes. Ok, fine — your dad. I have a crush on your dad. NO, that’s not lame. Tha-, never mind, just finish your breakfast.”

Are you aware the average mother can go from being the “best mom in the world” to the “you’re the worst, AMMA” in 5 minutes? All over a half-finished plate of dinner, which said mother slaved over.

Did you know 98% of dogs are docile creatures, happy to play fetch and snooze in the sun? The remaining 2% are owned by you and are drama queens who won’t stop barking unless the Amazon delivery guy stops to offer belly rubs.

Are you aware that nothing ruins a good day as much as when your kid says,” Amma, you promise you won’t be mad? You promise?” (Sand, Elmer’s glue, expensive makeup powders — long story)

Are you aware that the second-fastest person on earth is Usain Bolt (100 meters in 9.5 seconds)? The fastest person is the person chasing the dog running away with a whole damn sandwich, while the kids scream, “Amma, she has your sandwich! AMMA, run faster, run faster!”

Did you know British Supermodel Kate Moss once said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”? She has since reversed her stance after tasting Lupe’s famous “Loaded smoky cream nachos.” Not really, but Kate Moss can go suck an egg because those nachos are heaven!

Have you experienced the sheer emotional rollercoaster of hearing a child scream at the supermarket-> panicking ->realizing you left yours at home ->letting out an audible gasp of relief? I mean, that euphoria is straight-up better than crack cocaine. (I’m assuming.)

Have you heard of retirement homes for adults approaching 40? That sounds like a fantastic idea, right now at 7 pm as the kids fight over a broken toy.

Did you know the most animated conversations happen between kids, 10 minutes past their bedtime, on a school night, while the parent fumes and gnashes her teeth?

And finally:

Did you know it is illegal for anyone to interrupt while I’m nursing some Bailey’s Irish cream and watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy on Friday night? I mean, you guys (children/spouse/dog) had my full attention all week! Back off, and let me find out why Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd are fighting again!

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